Messages For My Children: Find a Godly Mate

Boy gets girl, December 1998

Dear Scott and Ruby:

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death. I’m contemplating my own end, not in a morose way, but in the way one does when reminded that existence on this plane is finite, so preparations should be made. Your father and I have been working on our family trust. We hope to ease your emotional burden when the time comes by taking care of as much of the legal processes as possible ahead of time. We also want to make sure you are provided for, to the best of our ability. We’re facing the loss of our own parents, and it has forced us to face what will eventually be your loss as well, because no one gets out of this life alive.

But as we make plans and do our best to provide a financial legacy for you, I’ve also been thinking about the moral legacy we will leave. I’ve been thinking about what you will have when I pass on. I’m not the breadwinner in this family, so I don’t have much by way of material goods to leave you. What I do have is words. They are my legacy. Outside of my love for you and the family we have all made together, my words will be the only legacy I have to pass through the generations of our tribe. I’ve decided to start writing to you, in the hopes that one day (maybe when I’m gone, hopefully much sooner) you will read these and glean some wisdom and important advice. At the very least, they will be gifts you can keep with you even when all physical trace of me has disappeared.

Here is the first message that has been on my mind this week.

Find a good and godly mate.

I pray for you every day, and one prayer that constantly bursts forth from my lips is, “Lord, bring my children good, kind spouses who believe and trust in You and Your ways.”

I can already see you rolling your eyes, perhaps smirking a bit. “That’s just mom being typical old mom. Go to church! Pay your tithes! It’s so old fashioned.” You’re probably saying it in a way that doesn’t sound like you were born in the 1970s, but you get my meaning.

I want you to know, I say this not (just) because we’re Christians and I want you to be a Christian because that’s a nice thing to be. I say this because marriage is one of the best things you can do with your life, and because who you marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

Marriage is more than a romantic partnership.

It is a partnership, period. It is the foundation of every human institution because it is the foundation of family. Statistically speaking, marriage is the most direct path to the middle and upper class. Morally speaking, marriage is the most direct path to healthy children and healthy communities. Don’t believe me? Look around you. What does a community where few people are married look like? What does a community where most people are married look like?

Just like most things worth having, marriage is difficult. You are not just making a promise to someone, you are entering a covenant, an unbreakable contract with God and your family. I recognize that we no longer live in a society that views marriage as unbreakable, but again I ask you to just look around you and take in the aftermath of broken marriages. Breaking the unbreakable comes with severe consequences.

When you marry, you are making the promise to put someone else before yourself. You are becoming a servant. That’s a bad word these days, but it is one of the most important words in our faith. It means “you before me.” It is very, very difficult to honor such an idea. It requires commitment, stamina, and humility. It requires an unshakeable foundation, one that can weather the earthquakes that life will undoubtedly bring. It requires a direction, a True North, something you can point your steps toward and straighten your path. You know those famous words from the vows most people take?

“For richer or poorer, in sickness and health, for better or for worse…”

Most people don’t imagine just how “worse” the worst can be. The partner you choose can make the difference between crumbling under the weight of the worst and thriving because you’ve survived the worst.

When I implore you to choose a godly partner, it is because to have a successful, lasting marriage you will need someone who understands the nature of commitment. God is author of commitment.

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5

He is the ultimate example of commitment, reaching out across time, space, and matter to choose you…you…and stand with you even in your worst moments. Even when you’ve betrayed Him and yourself. Even when you’re at your lowest. There is no greater example of commitment than our Lord. You’ll need a partner who understands that, because as humans, our commitment wanes. We are emotional creatures. Our eyes wander, our thoughts stray, our feelings change.

A better word for love might be “commitment” because it implies choice. Being in love is a feeling. Loving someone is a choice. It means committing to the “you before me” idea even when you’re angry, even when you’re hurt, even when you’re right. It means always choosing your partner, every day, even when it feels too difficult. That’s a hard thing to do. It’s harder when you’re stuck with a person who doesn’t view commitment the same way.

Your spouse should see you as precious and valuable, someone worth protecting and supporting. What could be more valuable than a gift from the Creator of the universe? A spouse who recognizes you as a gift from God will be more likely to do the hard work needed to push through the tough times. They’ll be more likely to appreciate the good times. They will have a deeper well to draw from, the living waters of the Savior that quench spiritual thirst. They will see you as someone created with great care, purpose and intention and they should treat you accordingly.

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14

It is important to remember your life is a journey.

A journey requires a path. You cannot walk that path well if you’re being pulled in another direction by your partner, or if you’re forced to pull your partner along. This is someone to whom you are joining your whole life and heart. The Bible gives us the best analogy for this. Picture an old-timey field plough, attached to two bulls with huge horns.

The “yoke” is the device that connects them at the neck. They must pull in the same direction to move the plough and till the fields. If one animal decides to wander off the intended path, the entire endeavor is at risk of destruction.

This is the same image the Bible gives us to describe choosing whom we will walk through life with.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

You may well be walking the same path with someone who does not believe in our Creator, but eventually that path will diverge.  It is better to choose a mate who is deliberate about heading in your same direction rather than wrestle with that yoke years after you’ve made a commitment. Choose wisely now to avoid that pain later.

Marriage is good and right. It is such an important institution that even the Bible uses marriage as a common metaphor for Christ’s relationship to the church.

I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as pure to him. 2 Corinthians 11:2

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25

A good marriage will change your life. It will make your life easier. Your best shot at a good marriage is to choose a partner who shares your faith. It is what I want for you, but more importantly, it is what God wants for you.

And if you are reading this at a time when you may have mistakenly yoked yourself to someone who isn’t living the “you before me” life, turn to God – the One who can turn mourning to joy, hatred into love, and mistakes into victories. He’ll know what to do.

Our family is our legacy, and His. That should always be in the back of your mind as you consider giving the gift of yourself to another human being.

I love you more than words can express.

Love,

Mom